Sober January is a disaster.
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
He's playing farmville on his phone while puking over the toilet..
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
i was super drunk. to the point where i was putting shredded cheese on a fork, putting hot sauce on it then dipping it in salsa. it was awesome.
I vagually remember taking your birthcontrol and washing it down with ash water
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
Doing lines of coke through pieces of licorice. Because I can
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
A talk about Arizona woman's rights politics has never turned to sex so quickly before.
I just had a mental image of us riding a tractor through hell with one of those big guns mounted on top of it shooting at everyone while the indiana jones music plays.
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
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