Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
my sisters under your porch take her home
I am at a striph cluv. They are ovealls everywhere. I have hot rock botto.
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
We need to put it on a rope attached to the bong, so it can't be dropped. Apparently, you need a stem safety leash.
Two drag queens are fighting over me. And yet the night is still getting weirder
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
Well. At least he's a gentleman. A gentleman satanist.
Just had an orgasim to the Star Spangled Banner so.. it was all worth it.
No, I didn't meet up with him! That's when I had chlamydia.
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
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