the last time I saw her she was leaving the mens bathroom and club rush with her dress inside out. typical tease.
You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?
They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
I mean, I Just Had Sex in 4 on her top 25 most played list. That's got to give you some indication
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but a penn state hat. We are....
Don't have sex in a tent there are so many opportunities for infections
I want falafel more than sex right now. That's really saying something for me...
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao
Randomize
