Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
two pink lines on a pregnancy test is bad, isn't it?
only if you didn't want to fuck up your life.
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
Why the hell does jager make you get to the point of having to army crawl around cause you cant feel your legs and scream jaga bombs when puking??
I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
Medical school killed my enjoyment of porn. Hard to keep a boner when you're diagnosing all the actor's STDs and skin disorders.
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
i walked toward the cop car thinking it was the liquor store lights nd by that time it was too late to escape the trap
Based on her brazillian stubble I would guess her plan had been to wait one more date before sleeping with me. Seems the plan was flexible.
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
he's like a horny 3rd grader on cocaine. he needs a leash
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
He also wore a doorag last night so i had to swipe left.
Wait I can't come yet Mr. Brightside is playing
ok i defs just took my shirt off in the middle of a frat party though so keep me updated
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