I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
just smash crush and snort whatever we can get our paws on
I knew I fell for you for a reason
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
I mass texted 4 of you for a booty call. Please reply all when responding so only one of you shows up. Last one is a rotten egg.
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
I am trying to take a picture of a man in a wheelchair trying to ship a michael jackson portrait
I am the girl who goes to bed with her make-up on so that she doesn't have to fully redo it in the morning. I am obviously not ready to be a mother.
How does that even work?
I basically have sex lined up for me in three different countries. If that's not a feat I don't know what is
I tried to twerk on a barn in 3 inch heels at a party last night and nose dived into mud. These were all new friends. I'm probably not allowed back. Cool.
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
I don't know what happened last night. But I just woke up in the high school boiler room
I get dinner and bf perks from the one guy. But dick with no commitment from the other. I’m living my best life.
Randomize
