Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
dude why did you let me call her?!
i told you it was a bad idea and to quote you exactly, you said "no, it's a good idea..that's what people do when they love each other." you met her 15 minutes prior to that conversation...
My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
I'm sure I'll run in to him again, there's only so many VA detoxes.
What the hell man, you basically stole my girlfriend with a bucket of KFC.
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
But there's never enough margarita money.
This is going to be one of those situations where we lose a day, isn't it
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
I threw up in my backpack last night, but at least it wasn't in the pizza box again
I pretended to be blind and he pretended to be my assistant and long story short, we had to buy that bra and panty set, and now we're both banned from Victoria's Secret AND I have a cum stained demi cup.
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
Randomize
