I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
I can't believe I'm wasting this thong on a guy in a sweater vest.
I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
I finally got out of bed at 8:30pm and my little brother informed me that I had cereal stuck to my back. I'm going to smoke a cigarette and go back to sleep.
It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
Honestly I really just want to do you in the mail truck. Thought about it a lot today
I'm jealous, curious, and aroused. All at the same time.
My job here is done.
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
I didn't even get crazy off of the coke so everything's fine. Also, I think I might have killed my aunt's dog..
Got lost on the way to my dealer again. He stayed on the phone with me untill i found him and then hooked it up because I got lost.. What a genuine person.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Nick from The Party". Who's nick?
Randomize
