Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
It smelt so bad when i tried biting off her underwear that i didn't want to touch with my mouth
Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
Nope, didn't see her. We left when you told us you were going to make the " big beef burrito supreme" even more supreme and you took your dick out.
is it trashy that while he was throwing up in the bathroom, i was hooking up with his childhood best friend?
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
she cut her forehead open playing a drunken game of pin the tail on the donkey and now she's having a panic attack.
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
No no this isn't that fun. I'm alone drinking wine and me and the dogs ran out of things to talk about around 9 am.
you ate an entire watermelon by using a CD as a spoon, then proceeded to chuck the leftovers at some dudes car...
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