Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
Is it weird if i grunt like Tim Taylor when im having sex AND grilling steaks??
Well the bottom line is that I had to completely coat my testicles in Neosporin.
I managed to throw up 90 feet under water, just removed my breathing tube, puked, put it back in. All inclusive is the way to go.
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
I'm taking her home. She just told a 90 yo woman in a packers hat to "suck her cock".
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
I would have cried, probably tears of wine, but cried nonetheless.
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
If I'm walking weird, don't judge me. Things got kinda outta hand with the GoPro on.
Randomize
