were not allowed back there because i puked on the waitresses foot while trying to order another round. for myself.
I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
even in my darkest moments, having another person eat my jizz would make me smile
I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
the guy next to me needed a pen, so I let him take one from my book bag. my panties are now being passed around the class...thank you for telling me you hid them in my bookbag.
He sat there and debated the pros and cons of hooking up with me
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
and lets be real... who can blow a middle school class's sunday school teacher and keep a straight face ever again? NOBODY.
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
Romantically speaking, I want to sit on his face.
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
I walked in to you guys using a milk jug as a gravity bong
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