i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
I'm ready for my liver to be the last casualty of 2009
You threw up in a Dixie cup last night. Oddly, you just gained major points in my book for that.
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
They conduct scientific research memoirs about what sort of shit happened last night after I ate those cookies.
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
She said "I feel like I haven't reached my full potential" and I couldn't figure if she meant in life or with the weed..
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
Finally hooked up with Ryan. Now I know why they call him “Beast Mode”. So. Many. Orgasms.
Randomize
