i justawanted to let you know that illi aalways be thwew for ui and o qill waasag youer dog whenebvet u wsnt
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
Theres a guy in your room wearing a franzi box costume and some girl is in the box giving him head.
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
He ate the contents of an ashtray and didn't puke, I think he can handle drinking a fifth to himself.
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
The sad moment you remember you have no power for a week and can't flush.....
Wrong number bro but that sounds like a damn shame.
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
Tomorrow has nothing to do with the threesome
I am the one with the vagina. I get to call it.
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
your mission the party friday: cockblock me at ALL costs. I've cheated on my boyfriend twice. I feel like three times would be crossing some sort of line...
and no, I don't care how how hot he is
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
Randomize
