I kept calling his name while we were having sex cuz i was so proud that i remembered it.
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
Look. I've got things to do today.. Will you hurry up and come over so I can give you some head and get my day started already
Outside
the manischevitz sangria was a big hit
I remember looking at his body and thinking wow you have a body sculpted by Jesus himself. Still not sure if I said that out loud or not
Can you send me the pictures of me riding the penis
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
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