i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
I'm so hungover I took Dramamine to help prevent the motion sickness of walking.
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
reaaaally cool. my cat ate my birth control.
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
He initiated the conversation by sending me a picture of his penis at 4 am
wanna come over? I have movies.
sure, what movies
porn or disney, your choice
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
Randomize
