If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
She was walking with the authority that 2 beers gave to a light weight.
Next weekend I am getting a library card and staying my whore ass home.
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
You made eat vitamins until I threw up
When sleeping with someone new: should you hide the magnum condoms, or let him know what he has to live up to?
Dude i thought about you literally the second after I came. This friendship is starting to cross some serious boundaries
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
She apologized again the next day. I said it was pee under the bridge
doing squats while I brush my teeth.. gotta keep the booty in check
I am serious when I say I think I broke a rib having sex with Kyle. It might be puncturing my lung. No lie. I might die today.
I wonder what dick looks like without astigmatism?
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
It's 90 percent alcohol, and 10 percent a whisper that says "get drunk"
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
Randomize
