I had a dream last night that I was the one that killed Biggie
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
Yeah, she tried to drown her but then they hooked up.
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
No really tho I'm wearing a chucky cheese shirt and yoga pants. If that doesn't scream no sex idk what does
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
Everyone was soo nice and genuine.. Then again it coulda just been the drugs.
Do they sell "congrats in losing your virginity!" cards and do they come in gay?
Yes. I'm realizing that sports games are good reasons to drink. I just cheer when everyone else cheers.
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
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