i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
you really should stop posting my phone number on craigslist as tranny seeking tranny, last night i answered at family dinner and almost choked on my hot dog
do you not see the irony in that??
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
it was like i was on a global safari of uncircumcised men
He sent me a pic and IT CURVED OUT OF THE PICTURE! Curved. Out. Of. The. Picture.
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
Did we seriously just get into a fist fight over kit kats?
You are one with the wind and sky, bro.
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
A blind guy just told me that even he could see i was gay and encouraged me to chat up the girl behind that counter bc he thinks we'd make a cute couple. Are all Canadians this helpful?!
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
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