theres no cameras in the kitchen right? cause i dont wana get fired for peeing in the kitchen in a cup
Changed it back. Somehow I didn't think my profile pic should be me shirtless on ecstasy, ya know?
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
How soon is too soon to enter the slutty phase of this breakup?
Let me stew on this while im plucking my nipple hairs and showering.
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
Is she okay?
She may want to issue revenge punches, but medically fine.
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
Everclear isn't food dammit
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
You don't know the capacity of my vagina
Randomize
