I'll tell you what, we couldn't have asked for better binge-drinking weather.
whats a positive sounding word for "exploit"?
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
You were wasted and fell in a pond when you met him, it's not like you were on top of your game
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
i refuse to hook up with a girl that looks like drew carey.
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
Your poor dick will look at you and scowl for all the abuse he's going to take this week.
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
We broke the bed while I was handcuffed to the headboard and let's just say that was a hard one to explain to the RA
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
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