We named our party play list daddy issues
Cuntadactyl. (n). A pre-historic dinosaur of Mandy-like features that is primarily identified by it's inability to play well with others and overall C-word demeanor. Physically, an unfortunate appearance.
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
is it customary for a bride to wear white even if she's a whore? i feel tie-dye would have been more accurate
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
Being thankful with your family is one thing. Being thankful with your friends while getting drunk and smoking bowls while eating leftovers, priceless.
I JUST ATE A STRANGE BURRITO, I SHOULD NOT BE EXPECTED TO KNOW ANYTHING RIGHT NOW.
I can't believe I ever hated her sister or friends. They got her some sexy sexy ass lingerie for the honeymoon. I think I love them bitches
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
The only reason you haven't shit yourself yet is because you don't like having fun.
Randomize
