Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
I'm more concerned about the fact that I can't feel my gums
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
Was just told that I was slipped 2 hits of acid in my in flight drink before takeoff. 8 hours to Germany wish me luck
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
Got it in all night, now at a bar at 730 am and we are the only two people here. Somewhere my mid twenties father is applauding me.
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
She yelled Carpe Diem when she orgasmed. Is it too early to marry her?
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