Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
they started playing Don't Stop Believin' and you had a melt down because it wasnt the Glee version
IM SAVING ALL MY LOVE FOR YOU
I don't want it.
Also, just saw a homeless man answer a phone call on a blackberry...
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
State dependent memory. I just needed to feel my teeth. It was like a fog was lifted.
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
she used her teeth again, but this time it was out of love
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
When a guy invites you to dinner and breakfast the next day it's implied that he's going to make some sweet loving in betwixt correct?
Chick in the kitchen making breakfast.. Yours or mine?
the fact that your 21st birthday is also new years eve is pretty much a death sentence
So were driving two hours to go to a club and Charles packed me a sippy cup full of tequila. He thinks of everything!
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