Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
I hraet yuo
did you say you heart me or hate me?
who is this?
well we are all hammered and my parents are reminiscing about all the times they drove us home drunk from Christmas
Just saw a teacher from our school with his wife... Now i really know how little teachers get paid.
you told grandpa to call you daddy
You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
I'll just get wasted and start throwing myself at men. Someone's bound to take the bait
You just kept yelling, "THAT'S THE POWER OF PINESOL, BABY!"
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
So I'm already mostly naked in a kind of bed but obviously too lazy to take my boots off. It's like January 1st is already here
Don't tell me you're on acid again
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
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