Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
Its not small because its small, Its small because it was cold outside
you tried to pee on a squirrel and everyone saw. you've got some serious untagging to do
Quite frankly, I consider the fact that I'm NOT pregnant one of my greatest achievements and I'd like to chronicle that ongoing success. I'm going to post pictures of me at "0 weeks" once a week.
i can now proudly say that ive peed off of a balcony overlooking the pacific ocean AND a balcony overlooking the atlantic ocean
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
I WILL MAKE A FLYING LEAP FOR YOUR DICK WHEN I SEE YOU THROUGH THE WINDOW
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
she fell asleep in a torn bush after playing cards at a nursing home.
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
A legendary roster of degenerates has been assembled.
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
Need advice bro. Which one should I take: the blonde devil crying in the corner or the brunette crawling on the floor acting like a dinosaur??
Randomize