Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
We just licked a sour creme and onion chip for salt for a tequila shot. Our vacation has officially begun.
Important info for allergy season. An orgasm will unblock stuffy sinuses.
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
ex-cheerleader. ex-gymnast. ex-dancer. i dont even know who to go for tonight
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
Ever since I got to LA my dream self has been having sex with way too many rabbi's.
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
She was trying to be sexy well putting on my condom with her mouth when her cat pounced from the corner of the room witch caused her to gasp and inhale the condom
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
My fuck it list is complete! I finally got a firefighter!
Randomize
