you were convinced campus grass and foliage would give you your daily serving of vegetables to balance out the amount of alcohol you drank.
You were playing beer pong by yourself. Finally someone took the ball and threw it into the bonfire. You sat by it, cried, and contemplated how to get it out. For 45 minutes.
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
Then we all started singing, "Our house, in the middle of the street. Our house, fucks a lot of freshman meat". It was magical.
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
Your cum is still running out of me. I pity the next person that tries these jeans on....
He had to stop fucking her halfway through to do a shit. When he returned she was still waiting for him. The joys of MDMA
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
You were a hurricane of blowjobs and glitter makeup. You came out of the closet and took the house down with it
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
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