I definitely just put my boxers on backwards.
haha now u have to piss out ur bum
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
She has a facebook friends list called oops. theres 33 people in it. she said its all the guys she regrets fucking.
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
I said that I'm avoiding parties and guys, and the freshman girl just laughed
still can't believe dude took a personal call while he was balls deep in my mouth.
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
one week and then i'm back on the sexual grind. a party is being planned in my vagina's honor
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
I came home and drank a bottle of wine in the bathtub. I have AMAZING coping skills!!
Randomize
