It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
You asked the officer if he could bring you to the same jail as T.I.
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
I went to his work to give him some blankets and ended up blowing him in the bathroom. See what happens when you don't come over?
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
all i remember is screaming butter knifes are for pussies.
I wasn't half as drunk as u but u were saying u were a "worm" and u tried to slither out of my grasp
Oh shit. My drunken car sex is on Google Earth.
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
I would say I miss her friendship, then I remember that she gave 4 guys the clap. I'm good.
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
So i stood up out of the sunroof while he gave me oral. Car was still moving. Exactly how illegal is that?
I deserve to have sex with a hot freshman ok
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
