i just saw an asian skipping down the street and it made me think of you
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
He made me cum so much, I almost let him spend the night. The operative word being "almost".
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
He kept moaning America instead of Erica while fucking me.
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
Make sure you plan your visit for October. That's ACL festival, it's like every Bro in the country converges on Austin. My vagina wants to go hunting.
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
So... Sex in my rain boots last night. Trashy or a great show of character?
If it was with a guy, trashy. Sex with a girl is never trashy.
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
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