don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
just watched paranormal activity stoned. laughed the whole time and screamed when they turned on the lights. eating doritos. I love my life
he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
I got to find out the airplane alcohol limit, and somehow I made it through the flight.
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
Living room floor. I asked him to give me a back rub. He did. And smoothly transitioned that to foreplay, then basically threw me on the floor. My vagina hurts. He deserves another Christmas present.
I'm ok. I've got the pantsless-with-dignity thing down pat
I lost all of my bathing suit tops.. This is both a success and a failure
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
She pregamed while taking a shower. Came out clean and drunk.
Randomize
