I'm drinking while I write this paper. When I can't see the screen anymore I'm gonna come out
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
Drunk lesbians having an argument about their realationship isn't as hot as I imagined.....
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
I miss eating meals at a table and having unprotected sex..
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
Denis dont give a fuck, Denis drinks out of straws. Denis disregards the fire station & bought 18 fire hoses so he can fight it himself if the farmhouse is on fire.
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
Randomize
