I won a flip cup tournbment! Why is boot and rally so hard when youre old?
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
I bruise way too easily for the kind of rough sex I want...
Did I at antime last saturday slip away and sign up for a prayer circle?
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
I was able to hide the fact that I had just shit in my pants, and then wupped her ass at FIFA
Everyone heard you scream that I was to be naked, in your bed in 5 minutes. We were one hell of a shitshow spectacle
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
someone just got arrested on campus...
holy fuck look at all that cocaine
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
I heard a crunch while giving him head. I looked up and he was eating Cheese Itz. So we made a deal that he'd take a hand job so I could eat them too.
our moms work together...I can just see the conversation now, hey your daughter ruined my sons marriage, that's probably how it will start.
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