She was lying the whole time!
She was a great actress
I was a great dumbass
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
Did you get drunk last night? You put Christian lyrics as your fb status again.
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
I'm pretty sure I have enough material at this point to start a blog called Guys I've Banged in Pictures together. Why does this keep happening to me!
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
So what did you do since you didn't go out?
...ate chocolate and watched bring it on....it's like I don't even know what it would look like to be straight.
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
I'm glad we smoked together,that was probs the biggest sibling bonding we will ever have.
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