Dear __, it'd be a lot easier to fuck if you ever responded. So I'm throwing in the white towel, since I no longer know what you want. Sincerely, ___
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
she acted like she'd never seen someone do speed off of a desk with a rolled up receipt. and she calls herself a grad student.
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
But once you explained how to fill cupcakes with semen I realize you were harmless and right on my level.
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
Can you stop being a bitch and just take some Kaluha shots with me bro?!?
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
Randomize
