There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
Yeah, you spent an hour in front of the mirror trying to reenact the Sailor Moon theme song.
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
Do you know any thirteen year old jewish kids? I'm looking for a party.
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
mid blow job she looked up and said "we aren't even facebook friends!"
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
So he came on my stomach this morning and I totally forgot about it until after you poured that body shot.
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
I mean I just feel if I'm not being fat and lazy then I'm not really being myself
honestly my period and I are just as surprised to see each other every month
For a girl who cried from fear the last time she was asked out, this. Is. TERRIFYING!
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Randomize
