Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
If she doesnt understand your inherent need to teabag an emo chick, do you really want to be with her?
Just found a ramen cup in the stall and all of the showers running with no one in them. WHERE ARE YOU?
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
The shit I just took was four, very distinct colors. Jager night was a success
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
that's the second time I've left that bar and slept with the person that's driven my car. thank god I don't take cabs..
I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
I threw up in my backpack last night, but at least it wasn't in the pizza box again
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
What happened?
Vodka. Vodka happened.
we have beer and we're watching the birds have sex in our yard.
Wait, you met him on Onlyfans? The guy from last night? Which one of you is the fan?
Because one of you banged your stalker
Randomize
