I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
Do ugly people know they are ugly?
The quiet ones do.
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
How do u explain cocaine to a 9 year old?
He's married, a coworker, and a smoker. not sure which personal rule broken i'm most ashamed of...
He has crabs, not bed bugs. I recommend incoporating a clinic on this mornings walk of shame route.
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
just letting you know that jen either: wasn't feeling well and ate grass to make herself throw up or threw up because she's stupid and ate grass
It was a karaoke bar combined with a liquor store and had a donkey pen in the back.
Keeping it classy as usual I see
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
yeah...well...life isn't all puppies & lap dances
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
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