Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
So remember when i bet you that girl uses dick to validate her existence?
...yea
She's valid.
I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
I feel like that xmas present negates everything we were taught as little girls. Putting out DOES pay. God bless us everyone
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
ready for a night of bad decisions, horrible moral standards, and an unhealthy amount of illegal substances.
Randomize
