Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
My insides feel lik shag carpet. It is awesome
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
we were fucking and all I could think about is how my silly bands were glowing in the dark.
At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
just heard a glass bottle fall in lecture and my first thought was to yell party foul.....is it friday yet?
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
I was really surprised he asked for my number the next morning..... and my name.
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
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