Last night this chick queefed when I was going down on her. Thinking if you! xo
I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
I wonder what it would be like to be a slice of cheese.
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
Pants-less sunday? Also I'm high and independence day is making me cry
im coming over
We should probably go now, otherwise the whores will descend.
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
I have a corndog on my dresser and a trashcan of puke. Thanks for a great night!
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
I may have taken the entire adderall. I FEEL LIKE THE FUCKIN HULK. I can't stop cleaning and organizing and doing the clean things
I didn't realize how hungover I was until I fell asleep in my math lecture, and woke up I'm my history class. How is got there still remains a mystery...
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
Randomize