very cute, but more "I wanna put you in my pocket and keep you as a pet" and less "please bang me" type of cute.
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
i find it sad that i can no longer sit in the back of class for fear that someone will fart into the heater again.
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
she wouldn't stop crying, so we sang her to sleep. i'm guessing you will find her in the same position by the toilet in the morning. night.
You insisted on take shots off of plates.
Considering the last guy I had sex with was gay, this was a huge improvement.
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
Well, my eyeball is red and the rest of my eye is black. Oh the joys of drinking with u. PS- I laid in a pile of sawdust. it was ok at the time.
Who says there aren't gentlemen anymore? My one night stand warmed up my car for me
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
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