Me too!
I'm currently googling how to make a dress out of a trash bag. It's going to be a great night.
Yah, I definitely wouldn't wanna be fingered with a fake arm...
pretty sure i saw you masturbating on chatroulette a minute ago. yes, i can recognize your cock
I THOUGHT I SAW YOU
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
I threw up in my room. And I cleaned it up with a spatula.
Come over. And we'll put iced coffee in the bong.
I specifically remember rubbing my eyes thinking I could definitely go blind and I really like came to terms with it I was like ok my other senses will develop this is fine
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
Randomize
