Well my night just got interesting. I just home from the police station. Hope you had a fun night out!
I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
apparently i was just sitting there with my shirt down holding my boobs saying "its ok. its all gonna be ok"
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
I've made this amazing blanket/pillow cocoon combo and I am set for life in here.
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
He's stripped out of his boxers and is dancing and slapping his dick with string cheese...I don't know whether to call for help or take a video.
Randomize
