So guy #2, the dancer, is programmed into my phone under the name H.uy. His number- 11 digits. I should have stopped drinking.
i just looked at the calendar to see when spring break is and literally stopped eating
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
yea i really dont care about the sex, i just want him to eat my vag. He has to be good at because of his tremors.
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
Let's just say he sent me a picture of his dick and I was more impressed with the collection of video games he had in the background...
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
You are under a naked attack watch for the whole weekend. Shelter in place.
I am pants-free in the living room. This is liberating.
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