Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
there's a guy pushing a keg up the street in a shopping cart. you have to love graduation
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
Your roommate is pacing with a pen in his mouth flapping like a duck. That brownie got me fucked but not enough to understand this. Come back!
He does that
omg. i wish i could describe to you the number of things that were just in my vagina. i feel like i got gangbanged by construction workers.
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
WHAT IS PROPER BONG ETIQUETTE FOR WHEN YOU'RE ALONE IN YOUR BATHTUB AND CRYING?
Can rosie odonnell just not be a lesbian? Shes stressing me out, knowing we bat for the same team.
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
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