Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
you went to subway and got pissed when they refused to deep fry your sub
i slept with her, drove her to her sisters house to babysit, and then drove around the block where i met her sister and had sex with her in my van. I'm family Friendly!
Yes. Being a lesbian's wingman is a fun as it sounds
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
He's tryingto open a beer with a Police baton. Cut him off or see where this leads?
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
I will never in my life forget you letting the cat lick your tongue
My bed is full of blood and feathers
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
I was gonna jerk off, but then I thought about that movie last night and it killed that idea. I have serious boner trauma.
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
He fingerfucked me in the hot tub and then we had sex in the wine cellar. See thats why I like partying with rich people
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