so ur a construction worker, male escort, sex god and surfer? lol
well its been awhile since I've surfed
Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
yeah I'm sure your grandparents are the best but it's halloween. get a slutty costume and let's go ham.
We dared each other to drink Arbor Mist, and I waterboarded someone with tequila.
KNEE DEEP IN HOES. SEND HELP.
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
I was laying out of the open window, talking with him on the phone, while we were both puking at the same time.. Guys at the party called it "true love"..
i tried to propose to him with my nipple ring but i couldnt figure out how to take it out
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
I see the guy who's been trying to get me to let him eat my ass became engaged on Facebook today; would framed screen shots be an appropriate wedding present?
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
