if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
What I lack in compassion I make up for in lack of compassion
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
it was really awkward..i thought he had two dicks, but later realized it was jsut his roommate
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
We haven't been trashed enough to shut down a bar together in four days. I'm starting to worry that we're growing apart.
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
so we just got back from swapping peoples patio furniture around to different patios. some people might like unexpected change. others might regret living on the ground floor.
Uess honpr I rememebrt hEzS cuter
You'll have to translate that into sober in the morning.
He just told me my boobs made up for all the bad things that had ever happened to him. I'm definately having sex with him again.
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
I just deff did the walk of shame.. His roommate/manager woke us up. A dog scared me on my stumble to the car.
This is why I'm single.
Randomize
