Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
Her boobs are too amazing to be looking at my dick. I'm even ashamed.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
Im drinking a large pickle jar full of Emergency, water and left over pickle juice and I dont care.
At least our walk of shames never included a bag of chips and a jar of queso..
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
So maybe putting the blacklight above the futon wasn't the best idea...
Its funny that for once I get home and I'm just as high as my parents are.
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
So, seriously. How does it feel to know that you're riding a cock that was in kindergarten when you were going to prom?
So apparently there is enough alcohol to get me to agree to going to a strip club, but when I have enough they don't let me in.
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.
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