weddingsv make me drug and hornr
and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
I just looked at the guy in the car next to me and he was wearing a divers mask. We just nodded cause we both understood.
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
I can't go to Fassler and not immediately think about you licking a guys wife's butthole in the family restroom
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
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