Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
dude i'm inner monologue high
found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
Great News, you CAN smoke bowls with a magnifying glass
I'm telling you the guy came in bought a box of condoms and all three of the chicks that came in behind him followed him to his car. I want his life
Half my make-up was stuck to his thigh where I'd fallen asleep after the blowjob.
she fell through a window trying to flash someone
I just woke up in my ex-boyfriends bed, with my new boyfriends jersey on. I love March maddness.
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
I woke up the other day with my Google browser open to "DIY lip injections"... I also just received a vial of hyaluronic acid and a package of TB syringes from amazon. I'm down.
I will have no part of this.
I just saw someone dressed as a bear leave your house on a motorcycle. I guess you guys are having a good time.
I just found a nug casually in my room under my duffel bag. Is this a sign I need help?
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
Randomize
