dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
Can someone please explain to me how I got rugburn on my tits?
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
This is one of those times where I really wish my vagina could tell me what happened last night.
at one point he was caressing me in the kitchen asking me my name over and over again and then asking what my favorite continent was
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
You left for an hour, then walked up to us at the bar, pulled 80 dollars out of your bra and yelled " drinks are on him".
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
I just did the walk of shame..with a blanket and a cup that says i will out drink all you bitches. This was not how i pictured 25.
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
Might call you tomorrow on a drunken hate filled rant, or just a normal hate filled rant, either way be ready.
Randomize
