i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
Finally considering to keep my landing strip before I have sex.. I feel like It makes me look mature.
Due to the events of st patties day last year I created a moral and ethical policy so that I won't get kicked out of the bar again. It mostly consists of not wearing pants so then I don't take them off at the bar.. and subsequently get kicked out.
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
just gonna show up naked this time. that way i dont have to worry about finding my clothes tomorrow
May the one with the liver that just won't quit win
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
we fucked in the backseat of my car at the observatory, right under the stars. it was a starry, orgasmic filled night
i was asked to be gay of honor by three different girls and NONE of the groomsmen at any of the weddings is open to experimenting. i mean whats the point then.
She was on top, but I lost her at "alright, you look like predator."
He waved at a guy who drove by while we were having sex in the back of a rental car in a hospital parking garage prior to visiting family. Almost made me feel guilty but I liked it too much.
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