Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
get your tongue out of his mouth and answer your phone. if your not doing more than making out i'm gonna be so pissed. i'm about to sleep in your car bitch
i just fell asleep at my computer and i woke up and in the google bar it said delicious foods to eat
Oh my god you would drunk register for a marathon.
we need blinds so i can safely watch porn during the day
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
July 5th AKA Day of regret AKA picnicing in a laundromat. Someone puked allover the comforter. Liffe of champions.
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
I'm gonna rob all up in that cradle
She yelled "taste the gay rainbow" in a biker bar. She's either brave or fuckin stupid.
She was to tired for head so she opted for a footjob with poor results. I dont want to talk about it
no body wants to do anything today cause it's too cold, but a guy can only masturbate so many times a day. Ya know
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
well my apartment and my life are still a disaster but I did clean off my desk so that's gotta count for something...
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