I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
just saw a girl throwing up in a taco bell nacho cantainor going 60 down the highway
Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
everytime someone would look at you, you started to try and deep throat your beer bottle.
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
he ate me out like he was chugging a beer.
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
We are not having sex in the fucking kindergarten
I just found out why people like handcuffs.
Randomize
