I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
Im just saying it can't be that bad if he drove himself to the er. We'll head that way when we finish playing scattergories
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
Maybe. I want to have sex at the fire station, most likely on one of the trucks. I wonder if I can finagle that before I tire of the spelling and grammatical errors in his texts.
We climaxed at the same time during ain't no mountain high enough. Does it get more cheesy or domestic for a non relationship?
I think I'm actually too depressed to do drugs, wow.
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
Randomize
