She was ugly to the point i wanted to brush my teeth after looking at her
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
I asked what you thought of her and you replied not the biggest I have had
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
I almost had sex in a public restroom last night in case you're wondering how much of a mess 22 is for me
I feel like a sex bomb and I need to go explode on somebody
So I couldn't find Leif..... He fell asleep in our closet upstairs trying to get changed into warmer clothes
Wait are we really having an orgy on Tuesday?
I was pretty sure he wouldn't be into me after I fucked his brother, and then his best friend, and yet, here I am doing lines off his stomach
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
Randomize