If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
I told him we couldn't hang out because I had strep, he said he's had it once so he couldn't get it again. The sex isn't worth this level of stupidity
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
I'm tryin a pb and onion sandwich now
Please smoke with me until I agree that sounds like a good idea
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
My dreams last night were filled with sex and quidditch.
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
Randomize
