I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
you tried to pee on a squirrel and everyone saw. you've got some serious untagging to do
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
I don't think i can handle my uncle say again that kid rock is a true musician....
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
But I did spend part of my morning scrubbing your cum off my grandmothers piano.
He's talking about me being Slave Princess Leia and how he'll chain me up. I don't have the heart to point out that he would be Jabba in that scenario...Is it bad that his lack of SW knowledge is destroying my lady boner?
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
I feel as if I need Plan B just being in the same room as them for more than 5 minutes.
Would you accept a fantastic blowjob as payment?
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
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